Have you ever heard the saying, “Never outshine your master”?
It means that you should always make those above you feel superior and avoid over-showing off your talents.
What about “not earning more than my partner”?
For 29-year-old Katherine, this was something she had heard frequently from her husband’s family.
The Melbourne woman, of Chinese and Vietnamese descent, works as a project manager.
She has “consistently earned more” than her partners over the course of her career, but has been criticized for doing so.
“I’ve had men tell me I’m ‘too ambitious’, ‘too controlling’, ‘too controlling’ and ‘too entitled’,” she told ABC.
Catherine says her partner’s family has accused her of “manipulating” their son because of her successful career. (Courtesy of Catherine)
Katherine said that while her husband was supportive of her earning power, her mother did not approve of her career-driven nature.
“My Chinese mother believes that women should avoid stress and focus on raising their children,” she said.
“My mother-in-law often talks about me and says I’m ‘too smart’.”
After she got married, Katherine said her parents-in-law expected her to assume a role that many women have been forced into – that of a housewife.
“She expected me to be a submissive Asian woman who tolerated bad behavior and played the role of a housewife.
“In her eyes, I was a ‘bitch’ who manipulated and isolated her ‘naive’ son.”
Katherine’s brother-in-law insults her because she earns more than her partner. (ABC Capricornia: Katrina Bevan)
Her brother-in-law only made her situation worse.
“He insults me for earning more than my brother, claims it’s inappropriate and questions why my partner doesn’t ‘stand his ground’.”
Katherine’s experience is not an isolated one, especially in South Asian communities.
“I shouldn’t jeopardize his relationship.”
Devni Behara, a Sri Lankan-Australian woman, had a similar experience with a former partner.
“I felt that I shouldn’t threaten his position in the relationship by drawing attention to what I wanted to achieve in my career,” Ms Devni told ABC.
“The relationship didn’t last long. There was a lot of insecurity about his own income compared to mine.”
Devni says there is an expectation in Sri Lankan society that male partners should be career-focused and earn more money. (ICON Management: Devni Vihara)
Devni works as a lawyer and content creator, promoting gender equality and raising awareness about colorism.
She said she was “embarrassed” by the comparison of her income to that of her ex-husband.
But this was common in Sri Lankan society, Devni said.
“Growing up, I heard countless stories about men feeling ‘inferior’ if their female partners earned more than them,” she said.
Devni says she is often portrayed in a negative context within her community as a “career-oriented” woman. (Courtesy of Devni Bihara)
Devni said it all has to do with the “caps imposed” on South Asian women’s career aspirations.
“I remember when my friends and I were applying to college, a family friend said, ‘You can get all these advanced degrees, but at the end of the day you’re just going to put on your college robes and take care of your family,'” she said.
Men are traditionally the main breadwinners across Asia
Minako Sakai, an associate professor of Southeast Asian social studies and Indonesian studies at the University of New South Wales, said the issue was driven by multiple factors.
These included deeply ingrained patriarchal values, gender stereotypes and even hypergamy (the practice of marrying someone from a higher social or educational background who can provide for them).
Professor Sakai says the expectation that men should earn more than their partners is widespread across Asia. (University of New South Wales, Canberra: Sakai Minako)
“In South Asia, it is very common after a marriage for the bride’s family to give gifts – money, household items etc. – to the husband’s family to wish the future bride well,” Prof Sakai told ABC.
“So there is a social norm that the man provides for the family and there is an expectation that the bride will be looked after by the man and his family.”
She also said South Asian men often perceive educated, high-income women as intimidating, and “some men restrict women’s mobility as a form of control and physical abuse.”
Culturally diverse women are paid less, stay in middle management longer, and are more likely to experience harassment
Professor Sakai cites Indonesia as an example where this issue has seeped into legislation.
“The country has marriage laws that allow men to have the primary responsibility as the family’s breadwinner,” she said.
Similar attitudes can be seen in East Asia.
“In Japan, men who earn less than highly educated men are less attractive in the marriage market and therefore most likely to remain single,” Professor Sakai said.
“Employment security for women remains precarious, so in Japan women tend to choose men with stable incomes.”
“So, usually, the wife quits her job and stays at home. Some women look for men who can financially provide for the family so they can be a full-time housewife.”
Gender and ethnic wage gaps are having an impact
Professor Sakai said the situation was different in Australia.
“In some cases, women who earn more than men are welcomed as they ease the burden on men,” she said.
But even if welcomed, women are unlikely to earn more in the first place.
This is due to the gender wage gap – the difference in income between women and men.
The latest data from the Australian Workplace Gender Equality Agency has found that women earn an average of $18,000 less a year than men.
The study found that men were higher paid in many of Australia’s biggest companies, including banking, retail, law and mining.
A Workplace Gender Equality Agency report found there is a gender pay gap in every sector of Australia. (AAP: Angela Brkic)
Add cultural diversity to the mix and the challenges for women become even greater.
A 2022 MindTribes study found that in Australia, women from diverse backgrounds stay in middle management roles for up to eight years longer than their Anglo or European counterparts.
The survey also found that their wages were low.
By 2022, the ethnic gender pay gap was double the national average gender pay gap, hovering around 33-36% compared to 14%.
“Why do you need to work in the first place?”
Jasmin Babbar, who was born in Punjab, India, and moved to Melbourne at age 16, is one of those women who is bucking the trend and earning more than her husband.
She said she was made to feel “guilt” for being the breadwinner in the relationship.
The 32-year-old entrepreneur, who now lives in Mumbai, works in the media and entertainment industry, just like her husband of eight years.
While Jasmine’s husband and his family are supportive of her career, her own relatives and work colleagues are not.
The constant criticism has led Jasmine to consider whether she should allow her partner to become the main breadwinner. (Courtesy of Jasmine Babbar)
“I still get comments like, ‘Who’s going to cook at home?’, ‘Why do you have to work?’, ‘Doesn’t your husband care?'” she says.
Jasmine said she often wonders whether her partner should be the main breadwinner.
Luckily, she said, her partner is “a very trustworthy person” and has been her biggest supporter.
Harmful expectations placed on men
Anika, a 30-year-old Indian-Australian from Melbourne, said she has faced similar questions from her paternal family, who she describes as “slightly conservative”.
She is a small business owner who travels frequently for work, and her partner is a full-time performing artist.
“My grandfather told me: ‘Stop adventuring and doing all these different things. Your main role is to be a wife and a mother,'” she told ABC.
Annika said such attitudes stem from “conservative values” where women, even if they work, are expected to take on other responsibilities such as looking after the home, family and children.
Annika says expecting your partner to be the breadwinner is “toxic.” (Pexels: Manu Mangalassery)
“There’s so much history and cultural nuance on this issue that goes back hundreds of years. It’s very difficult to counter that.”
Anika said her partner has always been supportive of her career and was aware of the harmful “masculine expectations” placed on him in South Asian culture.
Jasmine agrees with this.
“This not only oppresses women, but it also puts extraordinary pressure on men in our society,” Jasmine said.
“I feel the root cause is a lack of awareness.”
Jasmine said early childhood education, both in and outside of a school environment, will be crucial going forward.
