Dear Eric: I’m a widower in my mid-70s. I have no family or children. I’m a millionaire, I drive a Maserati, I’m outgoing, I look 20 years younger (if my friends are honest), and I travel a lot. But I have no friends. I have plenty of attentive acquaintances, bartenders, and waiters, but no one I feel close to. I’m a secular humanist, so please don’t encourage me to go to church. Despite my social activity, I’m alone and often lonely. What could the problem be?
– Still grieving
To those of you who are still grieving: When I got to the end of your letter and read the names you chose, I felt two things: a lightbulb lit up and a shock of deep, sympathetic pain. I wonder if part of your social isolation has to do with your grief.
Losing a spouse or companion often makes you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. Grief is complicated and makes it hard to re-engage with life in a meaningful way, even if months or years have passed. This isn’t your fault. We know you want to make connections, but the way you interact with the world will be different and will involve a lot of interruptions and restarts.
Ask yourself what it is that you want, and get as specific as possible. What would it be like to have the life you want right now? And what are some small steps you can take to get there? Give yourself time.
You are not alone. Social connection is difficult for many people. I don’t recommend churches, but I do recommend grief support groups, where you may find people who understand what you’re going through on some level and who would be good friends.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
